Eileen Buss,
Entomology and Nematology,
University of Florida

[Feb 20, 2011] —






Will I ever be good enough?


At times I can be overwhelmed by wearing different hats:

As an associate professor:
Do I bring in grant funding, am I publishing enough, are my teaching evaluations high enough? Which honors or prestigious awards have I earned?

In our economic climate:
As budgets shrink, faculty and staff positions are left vacant, competition for resources increases, and the number of hours in a day remains the same, will I be able to get it all done?

As a wife and mother:
Do I serve my family, do I spend time with them, and am I taking care of their needs? Should I quit and be a stay-at-home-mom while my kids are young?

At church:
Do I teach Sunday School classes or Bible studies, do my kids behave like angels, do I bake goodies for a bake sale, have we joined the church, do I pray or fast, and do I tithe?

In the eyes of other women:
Am I right to send my children to daycare and public school? Am I better than “traditional women” because I have a Ph.D? Should a Christian woman teach in a male-dominated biological science?

As a Christian professor:
Will people know that I’m a Christian if I have a WWJD bumper sticker, necklace or bracelet? Is that enough? Am I compassionate and nurturing towards my colleagues, students, and clientele or am I demanding, impatient, and unforgiving?

Fractured Attention

This fracture of attention not only makes the juggling of life harder, but also pulls my attention away from God. Insidious thoughts of inadequacy creep into my thinking and make it harder to be confident: How long can I keep up this pace? Will other people see Christ in me if I live in defeat and exhaustion?

I have finally accepted reality – I will never be a superhero. Yet life without a cape and super powers doesn’t mean that I have to live in defeat.

I can still live a life worthy of the Lord; I can still live with joy. Joy is a gladness of heart, a fruit of the Spirit that fills me when I trust God. Everlasting, abundant, inexpressible – such joy completes me. (Gal 5:22, 23; Isa 51:11; II Cor 8:2; I Pet 1:8; I Jn 1:4).

Happiness, on the other hand, depends on circumstances and can change when something doesn’t turn out right. I can’t control that. I may not be able to live up to all the standards of personal or professional peers the way that I would like to, but if I am obedient to God (John 13: 15, 17), then things will work out. Maybe not the way I expect, but undoubtedly in a way that will glorify the Lord.

© 2011 Eileen Buss
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