Carol Lim,
Pharmaceutics and Pharmaceutical Chemistry,
University of Utah
[Feb 14, 2010]—
What is God’s will for me?

At the start of 2008 I was a struggling assistant professor. I had three full-time graduate students in my laboratory, and one rotating in my lab who wanted to join. But it was down to the wire — with about $3000 left in my annual budget the game would be over when that was gone.

I was up for tenure, hopeful that a grant I had submitted to the NIH (National Institutes of Health) would be funded. But I was in the agonizing “wait and see” stage.

Wait And…

I prayed for God’s will—whatever the outcome, I told God that I would accept his decision about my fate. I thought I knew what his will was for me — my undergraduate degree in pharmacy, so many years getting my Ph.D. and finishing a post-doc really seemed what I should be doing, but maybe I was wrong.

On January 18 at 11 a.m., an email from my program officer at the NIH informed me: “Hi Carol, I don’t like bringing bad news on a Friday, but here goes. I’m not sure the NCI (National Cancer Institute) payline is going to make it to 17%, which makes it unlikely your application will get funded now.”

Needless to say, I was pretty shocked. I started to cry.

I called a few people to tell them the news, and told my lab. A million thoughts raced through my head. So this is it, God. My students, what would happen to them?

Mudit was close to graduation and would be ok; Rian, a dual Pharm.D./Ph.D. student, could rely on his Pharm.D. degree and could leave soon as well. Andy, having joined my lab the previous year, could easily switch to another lab (there were several other professors who would take him in a second). Jon was only rotating and could join another lab.

I Felt Calm

I accepted this as God’s will, and told Him that if this was it, I would find something else to do. I was surprised that instead of experiencing panic, I felt calm. I started thinking about other things I could do instead of my current job, in which I felt I had “failed.”

Others around me were saying that there had to be something I could do to maintain my job, my dream, but I told them I had run out of time and money. I made a couple more phone calls, and started getting ready to leave my lab for the day and to think about my options.

An hour and a half after receiving that email, the phone rang. It was my program officer at the NIH. He said, “You’re not going to believe this, but I forgot you were a new investigator, so the payline is better for you — you should be getting funded.” He then apologized profusely for his mistake.

I told him all was forgiven, and that I was just so happy to hear the news! Our conversation was brief, and I remember thinking that I needed to hang up quickly (before he could change his mind). Filled with disbelief and joy,I ran around and told the people in my lab.

In Retrospect

I didn’t realize this at the time, but in retrospect I know God was testing me. In Romans 12:2 we are told, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

For me the main point was wanting God’s will, not my own. Once I let go of my will, God made clear what His will was for me.

© 2010 Carol Lim