A Seat at the Table | Faculty Commons

Heather Holleman,
Department of English,
Penn State University,

[Oct. 1, 2013]

For most of my life, I’ve been fighting for a seat at the table. One day I’d sit with the top English Literature scholars in my field; I would earn the Ph.D., secure a tenure-track job, earn tenure, publish prolifically, and then finally have my place at the table I’ve been waiting for all my life.

But fighting for this seat nearly destroyed me.

Fortunately, God reminded me that this economy of ranking, comparison, and superiority imprisoned me in a state of acute self-consciousness and self-absorption. Slowly I began to recognize how easily academia had me toggling between feelings of superiority or inferiority (often within the same afternoon!) as I fought to belong.

I actually wrote my dissertation on shame and narcissism as a result.

Comparing

Now, ten years later, I still battle the tendency to self-evaluate and compare myself to others in my department. It doesn’t stop there; I measure myself against other writers, other mothers, and other wives. Almost daily, I still need God’s perspective. Recently, God used Ephesians 2 to remind me that I already have a seat at the greatest table the world has ever known.

In Ephesians 2:6, Paul announces that “God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus.” I’ve built up an arsenal of verbs to remind me of my identity in Christ, but seated has never been one of them.

Justified, redeemed, chosen, and forgiven, yes, but seated? Changed Perspective

Suddenly, I see myself called by a Great King to my seat at the table. In my imagination, it plays out like Arthurian Legend: King Arthur calls the Knights of Camelot to the Round Table. Here, nobody is inferior or superior to anyone else. The knights take their seats. Each one has his own place,his own talents, and his own assignments. They sit battle ready, uniquely equipped, devoted to the kingdom, and interdependent.

Seated and Called

When I see myself this way—as already seated and called to complete the tasks God assigns me—I stop working so hard for acceptance. I stop caring about prestige. I no longer need to make a name for myself. I cease measuring myself against any other person. Why would I? I have my own seat, my own calling, and my own tasks.

This realization has changed how I approach my teaching, writing, and ministry assignments. When I live as if I’m already seated, I’m finding that it purifies my motivations in my work and ministry. I’m

finding that it purifies my motivations in my work and ministry. I’m motivated by Christ’s love and not the need to belong somewhere, earn a title, or feel superior in some way. I have my place at the table. Whether I fail or succeed against some arbitrary standard no longer matters.

I am already seated.